"Actually I don't know what I'm doing. It's ridiculous. This life is shit."

I'm getting high. Living here. Yeah I'm here getting high. I've been living here since 2004, 2003. I'm born and raised in Manhattan. I dunno. I'm a heroin addict. I just get high all day and drink and live to get high. That's pretty much what I do. Actually I don't know what I'm doing. It's ridiculous. This life is shit. Not here. Look at me man. I haven't showered in a week. I beg for money all day. All my friends get high. I don't talk to my family anymore. At all. I'm twenty three and it's been like nine, ten years since I've spoken to any of them. My life is going to shit. Slowly and it always happens when I come back here. I went to prison. I came back and I went straight here. And it's just a circle of shit.

I probably should be in school doing something productive. Yeah I don't have a lot of time left. I've just been doing this for so long it's not cute anymore you know. It's like a waste of time at this point. The same thing happens every day in this life. It's risky. Im on parole. I'm on the run. I'm on the run hanging out in this park. There's a warrant squad coming through here all the time. So I should probably be doing something else. Like school. I'm an artist. I'd like to go to school one day. I have to get clean first. That's a problem. I just don't know how clean I want to be. I just love getting high. Well I need to get high not because I'm just at the point where if I don't get high I get sick. It started out as love. I used to love to get high. Now it's a job. It's a full time job. I gotta shoot like two bundles a day. And it's like I'm not even enjoying it.

This is it probably. I guess I don't even know where to start. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can make it any other way. I don't know if I can be happy any other way. Or maybe this is it. This is where I'm most happy. I've lived so many different lifestyles and getting high is the only thing that's like really, you know like it's worked for me. Even though it's like pushed everybody and everything away from me. I just feel like it's the only thing that's ever worked for me.

No. How many people are happy? How many people can really say they're happy. I mean I'm happy at times. But overall I'm not the happiest person. No. I'm not trying to sound desperate. Maybe a little bit. I'm not happy really anywhere. When I was in prison and when I was clean, I was not happy. I just wanted to get high all the time. When I go to rehab I'm not happy. I need like. I dunno, I guess I'm like um. I don't know. I don't even know what it is man. I wanna figure it out. But I just can't.